Late nights

I dont know what it is lately. I have been getting a lot of introspective moments, moods that are way too familiar and weirdly melancholic to be going through again. I had a long period where they were gone, and I almost forgot them. They werent missed.
I dont think I've ever fully known whether they cause the insomnia, or whether the insomnia causes them, but I think it is a little of both. Not once have my eyes felt sleepy tonight, even though it is now 4:22AM and I had no sleep last night either.
And so I lie here and think, because there is nothing left to do, and nothing that my mind will let me occupy it with. I think of some of the things Ive done in the past. How cloudy and undefined they are, yet still horribly there they remain. I think things always feel worse than they probably are, and I cannot deny that other people have been through a lot worse.
But that doesnt mean I havent been through my fair share. Or that it was easy.

Some of those things... The mind sets I was in.
Back then I was on anti-depressants and painkillers and sleeping pills. So pretty much the same as now. Only a higher doseage, a worse situation, and a lot less worried about my future or how I really lived. I existed in a haze of no emotion or clarity. Everything was a blur and the only thing I could focus on was anything not related to myself. I lived in a dream world. I wrote and I painted and I thought of fantasies and other lives. Anything else.
I still operated and acted semi-normal to my family and the few others who knew me. I found everything very painful and hard, but at the same time so extremely detached and not so much an intimate part of me as something I just had to get through. I thought I was doing ok.
But I was the only one who didnt realise my pain still showed through so noticably in my actions. And how even though I didnt feel them at the right times, or react the way someone usually should in a situation, I still had the emotions that built up and crashed down on me when I least expected it. When it was least logical to happen.

Looking back at that time Im both a bit ashamed and proud.
Im ashamed of some of my actions, the things I did, that were done through detached clouds of hurt and emotions I didnt know what to do with. There are a lot of things I can list that I really wish I hadnt done.
Yet they were so small and few when compared to how I could have turned out. And for that I am proud. Of how I chose to be an adult when no one asked me to. How I carried on through everything and could still smile and laugh and see the positives. How I held everything inside, all the pain and hopelessness, untill I could afford to address it. Without breaking down right when I needed to be strong.
And for that, I am also a little sad.

I do not like late nights, with no one around.
I hate being lonely. The lonely of having people, but ones you cant talk to.
Atleast not at this lonely time of night.